Truly, finding another real empath is my greatest goal. one who is completely awake. I need to find one and talk to them. My great purpose to help the one who loved me. That black hole he says like a flame. Moths to the flame he said.
God, I cannot even begin to convey how I feel about everything.
I'm still attuned to the world very strongly, and I feel a fel wind blowing from the north. I've got a bad feeling about this.
Tomorrow I should not do anything rash. I have to be careful. I'm going to break poor Benjamin's heart. Perhaps JP finds it less cruel to make it so toys don't know their toys. I think they need to know they are and let them make that choice anyways.
His way of going about it is how he makes peace with it. Mine is mine. Both still work for us funnily enough. I wonder why we have this difference in thought process.
Gender dynamics being what they are.... perhaps.
And psychological impact thereof....
I can see it. I can be true to myself and not be bothered by him being true to his...
Is this what it means?
I think so. What works for me doesn't necessarily work for him. And I can't try to force or change him to do the things I find better. And limiting myself morally on black and white... in any way.... especially in this when it doesn't violate me...
I'm protective and territorial. More importantly than that, I love John Paul. I'm in love with him. Always will be. It's obnoxious in so many ways. I have to become him to be me with him. He still wants me. He still loves me. I know he does. Fuck, it's hard.
Being an empath and knowing that so much that is out there is wishful children having indigo dreams. The only things I've found that is true ... is that truth resonates. I feel it have a resonance just like I have a dissonance with lies. it's the grey inbetweens that I have a hard time with.
It's so hard, to feel so strongly. The world is a ridiculous place filled with ridiculous people. I am a ridiculous person. I just want to sing and dance and enjoy art. I long for a utopia that can't exist on this planet. I want to save this human race. It can't be saved. We all must save ourselves. Do what we can for others.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
The Future
When comfort and warmth are gone, I still reach for you. And you're not there. You'll never be there again. How am I supposed to just be okay with this?
You were my guiding light. I'm sorry I didn't listen. I didn't know any better. I was foolish. I was a child. I tried so hard. I did the best I could. I regret nothing because I couldn't grow without all of it. It was meant to happen this way or it wouldn't have.
I know that. There is some comfort there. I just miss him so much. The person I miss is just a memory. He isn't real anymore. There's a stranger in his place now. This stranger hates me, shirks my touch and my memory. He doesn't love me anymore, and I am nothing to him.
I was so scared of growing because I know the truth, and I need to trust my intuition. I will grow. I am growing. And the more I grow, the more I see and know. The thing I feared is best for me, and it's healthy. It's just hard to say goodbye.
It's that he isn't good enough for a grown me. Jillian who knows herself, who is in touch with herself, who shed her old skin like the proverbial snake to grow wings and fly... He doesn't deserve. And I won't want him anymore because he isn't worth wanting. I deserve more and so does he. Perhaps at our peaks we will find each other again. The timing wasn't right, and that hurts so bad. Knowing how brilliant we could be. It just isn't meant to be. I have to fly on my own. And fly I will. Fly I am. And nobody can take me from me. Nobody else can hold me back. Just me. And I'm not standing in my own way anymore. I accept that I don't know the future. I have dived into the unknown and embraced it. I will love again. And I will love deeply and freely without the pains of my childhood and his ghost haunting me. And it won't be him. I'll have missed it with him.
I know this is the future. I know it like I know my favorite shade of green. I just haven't wanted to accept it. As if living in denial could change it. It doesn't change anything. It just prolongs the inevitable. I'm ripping off the band aid. My future doesn't have him in it except as a distant memory of a man I loved and will always love. But it's just that: a memory.
If I could go back to the beginning I'd appreciate and cherish every moment knowing how it ended. I wouldn't be on my phone when he was trying to show me movies or music he liked. I'd shut my mouth more and just be thankful and happy when he wanted to love me in comfortable silence without words. I never could shut the fuck up and listen. I'd listen more. I wish I loved what I had when I had it. I try to be present now. Because I never want to repeat those mistakes again. I am growing. I am appreciating what I have now because I know how easily it can be gone.
If I ever get another chance I will never fuck it up, but I don't see it happening. He's not in my dreams anymore. I won't ever be a weapon for him.
I defended my dad the whole time my mom accused him of having an affair, and now he's married to that woman. I don't hate her, but I know that it impacted me. I am aware of my mental scars. My emotional chains on my heart are breaking, though. I know the bonds are there, and being aware of them allows me to cast them off and choose something else.
You were my guiding light. I'm sorry I didn't listen. I didn't know any better. I was foolish. I was a child. I tried so hard. I did the best I could. I regret nothing because I couldn't grow without all of it. It was meant to happen this way or it wouldn't have.
I know that. There is some comfort there. I just miss him so much. The person I miss is just a memory. He isn't real anymore. There's a stranger in his place now. This stranger hates me, shirks my touch and my memory. He doesn't love me anymore, and I am nothing to him.
I was so scared of growing because I know the truth, and I need to trust my intuition. I will grow. I am growing. And the more I grow, the more I see and know. The thing I feared is best for me, and it's healthy. It's just hard to say goodbye.
It's that he isn't good enough for a grown me. Jillian who knows herself, who is in touch with herself, who shed her old skin like the proverbial snake to grow wings and fly... He doesn't deserve. And I won't want him anymore because he isn't worth wanting. I deserve more and so does he. Perhaps at our peaks we will find each other again. The timing wasn't right, and that hurts so bad. Knowing how brilliant we could be. It just isn't meant to be. I have to fly on my own. And fly I will. Fly I am. And nobody can take me from me. Nobody else can hold me back. Just me. And I'm not standing in my own way anymore. I accept that I don't know the future. I have dived into the unknown and embraced it. I will love again. And I will love deeply and freely without the pains of my childhood and his ghost haunting me. And it won't be him. I'll have missed it with him.
I know this is the future. I know it like I know my favorite shade of green. I just haven't wanted to accept it. As if living in denial could change it. It doesn't change anything. It just prolongs the inevitable. I'm ripping off the band aid. My future doesn't have him in it except as a distant memory of a man I loved and will always love. But it's just that: a memory.
If I could go back to the beginning I'd appreciate and cherish every moment knowing how it ended. I wouldn't be on my phone when he was trying to show me movies or music he liked. I'd shut my mouth more and just be thankful and happy when he wanted to love me in comfortable silence without words. I never could shut the fuck up and listen. I'd listen more. I wish I loved what I had when I had it. I try to be present now. Because I never want to repeat those mistakes again. I am growing. I am appreciating what I have now because I know how easily it can be gone.
If I ever get another chance I will never fuck it up, but I don't see it happening. He's not in my dreams anymore. I won't ever be a weapon for him.
I defended my dad the whole time my mom accused him of having an affair, and now he's married to that woman. I don't hate her, but I know that it impacted me. I am aware of my mental scars. My emotional chains on my heart are breaking, though. I know the bonds are there, and being aware of them allows me to cast them off and choose something else.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Jove's Child
A child of love, a youthful one, Jillian, an empath, a daughter, a sister, a mother to some extent, a lover, a friend, a fighter, a dreamer, a succubus, a temptress, desire incarnate, a fantasy, a light, a heart full of love, beauty in the world, and being at peace with where my life is and where I'm going
I will fight for those I love. I will never let someone darken my spirit. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am love and light. The sorrow doesn't obscure the light. Love is still there and still good.
Detaching from the sorrow enough to see the light again takes time. But sometimes that's okay.
I will fight for those I love. I will never let someone darken my spirit. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am love and light. The sorrow doesn't obscure the light. Love is still there and still good.
Detaching from the sorrow enough to see the light again takes time. But sometimes that's okay.
A Heart Full of Love
The long dark night of the soul is over.
I finally felt it, the realization, the moment, the epiphany, the spark of change in my heart and soul.
Acceptance of what I am. What I feel. No longer disdaining feeling others, but compassion for all. Even John Paul, Therese, Marian, my sister's rapists, my brother's rapists, Cristos, and so many more.
Just because someone isn't good for me to or to me doesn't mean I wish them ill. I don't believe in striking back at threats. I know people will throw me under the bus if they get the chance. That's who they are. I will watch for it, too, now. But that's not me. It's not who I am.
I am not a whore. I am called to be more than all of this.
I am love and light, and nothing and no one will ever darken my flame again.
réponds à ma tendresse
You are my muse. A dark muse. Inspiration to light, catapulting me from your dark. I love everything about you. Even your pain and hurt and anger. It no longer hurts me. It just passes over me. I feel for you more than anything. What an existence you are cursed with, my darling. My love. You are passed over, far from me. Never to touch me in this moment or the next. You and I cannot co-exist. We don't work because I can't abide someone who is fake as much as you can't. You lie with so many breaths. You lie with none at all. You hide your true self from all except me in bare moments. I try to lay your soul bare to grant you freedom, but you despise me for the insult and threat to your ego. It is as it must be. You can't be with me. We were beautiful and aflame once. We shouldn't have found each other so young. We burned too fast and too hot, more than we should have. We were young. It wasn't our fault. It's just what happened. I will always care and always want you.
But what I want isn't what's right for either of us. I love you more than a selfish want for a moment or a day or a lifetime. I love you and want you to be happy above all else.
I finally felt it, the realization, the moment, the epiphany, the spark of change in my heart and soul.
Acceptance of what I am. What I feel. No longer disdaining feeling others, but compassion for all. Even John Paul, Therese, Marian, my sister's rapists, my brother's rapists, Cristos, and so many more.
Just because someone isn't good for me to or to me doesn't mean I wish them ill. I don't believe in striking back at threats. I know people will throw me under the bus if they get the chance. That's who they are. I will watch for it, too, now. But that's not me. It's not who I am.
I am not a whore. I am called to be more than all of this.
I am love and light, and nothing and no one will ever darken my flame again.
réponds à ma tendresse
You are my muse. A dark muse. Inspiration to light, catapulting me from your dark. I love everything about you. Even your pain and hurt and anger. It no longer hurts me. It just passes over me. I feel for you more than anything. What an existence you are cursed with, my darling. My love. You are passed over, far from me. Never to touch me in this moment or the next. You and I cannot co-exist. We don't work because I can't abide someone who is fake as much as you can't. You lie with so many breaths. You lie with none at all. You hide your true self from all except me in bare moments. I try to lay your soul bare to grant you freedom, but you despise me for the insult and threat to your ego. It is as it must be. You can't be with me. We were beautiful and aflame once. We shouldn't have found each other so young. We burned too fast and too hot, more than we should have. We were young. It wasn't our fault. It's just what happened. I will always care and always want you.
But what I want isn't what's right for either of us. I love you more than a selfish want for a moment or a day or a lifetime. I love you and want you to be happy above all else.
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