The Future

When comfort and warmth are gone, I still reach for you. And you're not there. You'll never be there again. How am I supposed to just be okay with this?

You were my guiding light. I'm sorry I didn't listen. I didn't know any better. I was foolish. I was a child. I tried so hard. I did the best I could. I regret nothing because I couldn't grow without all of it. It was meant to happen this way or it wouldn't have.

I know that. There is some comfort there. I just miss him so much. The person I miss is just a memory. He isn't real anymore. There's a stranger in his place now. This stranger hates me, shirks my touch and my memory. He doesn't love me anymore, and I am nothing to him.

I was so scared of growing because I know the truth, and I need to trust my intuition. I will grow. I am growing. And the more I grow, the more I see and know. The thing I feared is best for me, and it's healthy. It's just hard to say goodbye.

It's that he isn't good enough for a grown me. Jillian who knows herself, who is in touch with herself, who shed her old skin like the proverbial snake to grow wings and fly... He doesn't deserve. And I won't want him anymore because he isn't worth wanting. I deserve more and so does he. Perhaps at our peaks we will find each other again. The timing wasn't right, and that hurts so bad. Knowing how brilliant we could be. It just isn't meant to be. I have to fly on my own. And fly I will. Fly I am. And nobody can take me from me. Nobody else can hold me back. Just me. And I'm not standing in my own way anymore. I accept that I don't know the future. I have dived into the unknown and embraced it. I will love again. And I will love deeply and freely without the pains of my childhood and his ghost haunting me. And it won't be him. I'll have missed it with him.

I know this is the future. I know it like I know my favorite shade of green. I just haven't wanted to accept it. As if living in denial could change it. It doesn't change anything. It just prolongs the inevitable. I'm ripping off the band aid. My future doesn't have him in it except as a distant memory of a man I loved and will always love. But it's just that: a memory.

If I could go back to the beginning I'd appreciate and cherish every moment knowing how it ended. I wouldn't be on my phone when he was trying to show me movies or music he liked. I'd shut my mouth more and just be thankful and happy when he wanted to love me in comfortable silence without words. I never could shut the fuck up and listen. I'd listen more. I wish I loved what I had when I had it. I try to be present now. Because I never want to repeat those mistakes again. I am growing. I am appreciating what I have now because I know how easily it can be gone.

If I ever get another chance I will never fuck it up, but I don't see it happening. He's not in my dreams anymore. I won't ever be a weapon for him.

 I defended my dad the whole time my mom accused him of having an affair, and now he's married to that woman. I don't hate her, but I know that it impacted me. I am aware of my mental scars. My emotional chains on my heart are breaking, though. I know the bonds are there, and being aware of them allows me to cast them off and choose something else.