Truly, finding another real empath is my greatest goal. one who is completely awake. I need to find one and talk to them. My great purpose to help the one who loved me. That black hole he says like a flame. Moths to the flame he said.
God, I cannot even begin to convey how I feel about everything.
I'm still attuned to the world very strongly, and I feel a fel wind blowing from the north. I've got a bad feeling about this.
Tomorrow I should not do anything rash. I have to be careful. I'm going to break poor Benjamin's heart. Perhaps JP finds it less cruel to make it so toys don't know their toys. I think they need to know they are and let them make that choice anyways.
His way of going about it is how he makes peace with it. Mine is mine. Both still work for us funnily enough. I wonder why we have this difference in thought process.
Gender dynamics being what they are.... perhaps.
And psychological impact thereof....
I can see it. I can be true to myself and not be bothered by him being true to his...
Is this what it means?
I think so. What works for me doesn't necessarily work for him. And I can't try to force or change him to do the things I find better. And limiting myself morally on black and white... in any way.... especially in this when it doesn't violate me...
I'm protective and territorial. More importantly than that, I love John Paul. I'm in love with him. Always will be. It's obnoxious in so many ways. I have to become him to be me with him. He still wants me. He still loves me. I know he does. Fuck, it's hard.
Being an empath and knowing that so much that is out there is wishful children having indigo dreams. The only things I've found that is true ... is that truth resonates. I feel it have a resonance just like I have a dissonance with lies. it's the grey inbetweens that I have a hard time with.
It's so hard, to feel so strongly. The world is a ridiculous place filled with ridiculous people. I am a ridiculous person. I just want to sing and dance and enjoy art. I long for a utopia that can't exist on this planet. I want to save this human race. It can't be saved. We all must save ourselves. Do what we can for others.
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