Moving On Back

Can't do it.

I've never been more terrified about something I've wanted so badly in my life.

Literally crying at my desk because I want it, but I know it's terrible for me. And I can't do it.

Unless it works out for us. Do I have to trust him? Do I just trust him that it's going to work out?

That what he's asking will work out for both of us as long as I'm just being true to myself?


I'M SO FUCKING SCARED.

A gift & A curse

Truly, finding another real empath is my greatest goal. one who is completely awake. I need to find one and talk to them. My great purpose to help the one who loved me. That black hole he says like a flame. Moths to the flame he said.

God, I cannot even begin to convey how I feel about everything.


I'm still attuned to the world very strongly, and I feel a fel wind blowing from the north. I've got a bad feeling about this.

Tomorrow I should not do anything rash. I have to be careful. I'm going to break poor Benjamin's heart. Perhaps JP finds it less cruel to make it so toys don't know their toys. I think they need to know they are and let them make that choice anyways.

His way of going about it is how he makes peace with it. Mine is mine. Both still work for us funnily enough. I wonder why we have this difference in thought process.

Gender dynamics being what they are.... perhaps.

And psychological impact thereof....

I can see it. I can be true to myself and not be bothered by him being true to his...

Is this what it means?

I think so. What works for me doesn't necessarily work for him. And I can't try to force or change him to do the things I find better. And limiting myself morally on black and white... in any way.... especially in this when it doesn't violate me...

I'm protective and territorial. More importantly than that, I love John Paul. I'm in love with him. Always will be. It's obnoxious in so many ways. I have to become him to be me with him. He still wants me. He still loves me. I know he does. Fuck, it's hard.

Being an empath and knowing that so much that is out there is wishful children having indigo dreams. The only things I've found that is true ... is that truth resonates. I feel it have a resonance just like I have a dissonance with lies. it's the grey inbetweens that I have a hard time with.

It's so hard, to feel so strongly. The world is a ridiculous place filled with ridiculous people. I am a ridiculous person. I just want to sing and dance and enjoy art.  I long for a utopia that can't exist on this planet. I want to save this human race. It can't be saved. We all must save ourselves. Do what we can for others.

The Future

When comfort and warmth are gone, I still reach for you. And you're not there. You'll never be there again. How am I supposed to just be okay with this?

You were my guiding light. I'm sorry I didn't listen. I didn't know any better. I was foolish. I was a child. I tried so hard. I did the best I could. I regret nothing because I couldn't grow without all of it. It was meant to happen this way or it wouldn't have.

I know that. There is some comfort there. I just miss him so much. The person I miss is just a memory. He isn't real anymore. There's a stranger in his place now. This stranger hates me, shirks my touch and my memory. He doesn't love me anymore, and I am nothing to him.

I was so scared of growing because I know the truth, and I need to trust my intuition. I will grow. I am growing. And the more I grow, the more I see and know. The thing I feared is best for me, and it's healthy. It's just hard to say goodbye.

It's that he isn't good enough for a grown me. Jillian who knows herself, who is in touch with herself, who shed her old skin like the proverbial snake to grow wings and fly... He doesn't deserve. And I won't want him anymore because he isn't worth wanting. I deserve more and so does he. Perhaps at our peaks we will find each other again. The timing wasn't right, and that hurts so bad. Knowing how brilliant we could be. It just isn't meant to be. I have to fly on my own. And fly I will. Fly I am. And nobody can take me from me. Nobody else can hold me back. Just me. And I'm not standing in my own way anymore. I accept that I don't know the future. I have dived into the unknown and embraced it. I will love again. And I will love deeply and freely without the pains of my childhood and his ghost haunting me. And it won't be him. I'll have missed it with him.

I know this is the future. I know it like I know my favorite shade of green. I just haven't wanted to accept it. As if living in denial could change it. It doesn't change anything. It just prolongs the inevitable. I'm ripping off the band aid. My future doesn't have him in it except as a distant memory of a man I loved and will always love. But it's just that: a memory.

If I could go back to the beginning I'd appreciate and cherish every moment knowing how it ended. I wouldn't be on my phone when he was trying to show me movies or music he liked. I'd shut my mouth more and just be thankful and happy when he wanted to love me in comfortable silence without words. I never could shut the fuck up and listen. I'd listen more. I wish I loved what I had when I had it. I try to be present now. Because I never want to repeat those mistakes again. I am growing. I am appreciating what I have now because I know how easily it can be gone.

If I ever get another chance I will never fuck it up, but I don't see it happening. He's not in my dreams anymore. I won't ever be a weapon for him.

 I defended my dad the whole time my mom accused him of having an affair, and now he's married to that woman. I don't hate her, but I know that it impacted me. I am aware of my mental scars. My emotional chains on my heart are breaking, though. I know the bonds are there, and being aware of them allows me to cast them off and choose something else.

Jove's Child

A child of love, a youthful one, Jillian, an empath, a daughter, a sister, a mother to some extent, a lover, a friend, a fighter, a dreamer, a succubus, a temptress, desire incarnate, a fantasy, a light, a heart full of love, beauty in the world, and being at peace with where my life is and where I'm going

I will fight for those I love. I will never let someone darken my spirit. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am love and light. The sorrow doesn't obscure the light. Love is still there and still good.

Detaching from the sorrow enough to see the light again takes time. But sometimes that's okay.

A Heart Full of Love

The long dark night of the soul is over.

I finally felt it, the realization, the moment, the epiphany, the spark of change in my heart and soul.

Acceptance of what I am. What I feel. No longer disdaining feeling others, but compassion for all. Even John Paul, Therese, Marian, my sister's rapists, my brother's rapists, Cristos, and so many more.

Just because someone isn't good for me to or to me doesn't mean I wish them ill. I don't believe in striking back at threats. I know people will throw me under the bus if they get the chance. That's who they are. I will watch for it, too, now. But that's not me. It's not who I am.

I am not a whore. I am called to be more than all of this.

I am love and light, and nothing and no one will ever darken my flame again.

réponds à ma tendresse

You are my muse. A dark muse. Inspiration to light, catapulting me from your dark. I love everything about you. Even your pain and hurt and anger. It no longer hurts me. It just passes over me. I feel for you more than anything. What an existence you are cursed with, my darling. My love. You are passed over, far from me. Never to touch me in this moment or the next. You and I cannot co-exist. We don't work because I can't abide someone who is fake as much as you can't. You lie with so many breaths. You lie with none at all. You hide your true self from all except me in bare moments. I try to lay your soul bare to grant you freedom, but you despise me for the insult and threat to your ego. It is as it must be. You can't be with me. We were beautiful and aflame once. We shouldn't have found each other so young. We burned too fast and too hot, more than we should have. We were young. It wasn't our fault. It's just what happened. I will always care and always want you.


But what I want isn't what's right for either of us. I love you more than a selfish want for a moment or a day or a lifetime. I love you and want you to be happy above all else.

Dreams

Dream on Saturday Night:
front right tooth breaks. I pull it out in slivers. It's gone, and I'm fine. I bite down, testing the strength of the rest of my teeth and they break, parts and tops of the shattering. The roots are fine but the rest of the teeth have broken now, too.

Dream on Sunday night:
laying down in field of pink poppies. snow begins to fall. it's peaceful, quiet, pure. It makes me happy. It falls all over the field. Around me in a circle about 10 feet wide the snow does not fall. I stand up. Where I laid a red rose, single, long stemmed, thorns on the bottom grows from the earth, not a bush. It is wilted. The water from the surrounding snow begins to pool down into the circle around the rose, and it grows. It sheds its wilted leaves and a new bloom begins.
Self love? At last? Something more? Snow is the blank slate, wiping clean the past. Forgetting the memories of days gone by while I was asleep, not yet awake.

Dream Tuesday night:

Walking down a path not unlike the one Maurice walks in Beauty and the Beast. There is a fork in the road.

Down one path I must pass under the shadow of a giant Oak tree. There is a black stallion, unbridled, no saddle, no reigns. He is strong. A thoroughbred. Tall. Mercurial. He will not be tamed. He requires bareback and nothing else. Trust and respect of this horse are required to ride and nothing else will do. But he is beyond the shadow of a giant oak tree.

The path to the left has a few horses scattered along it. Some close, some further down. There are reins. There are saddles on all of them. Some are grazing. Some are watching me. Some are simply trotting up and down the path beneath cherry trees. Cherry blossoms fall. Sunlight filters through many branches and the horses are not entirely in the shade at any point where they may stand. The left path is a well trodden path, a completely safe path.

I walk to the middle of the fork where I have nowhere else to walk but a path to the left or the path to the right.

I look to the right again. The stallion is looking down the road. But he stands with one eye still keeping me in vision. Watching. Waiting to see what I do. He doesn't know if I am a threat or not. The black stallion's path is under deep shadows for a time. The branches and leaves are dense. At the end of the path there is sunlight pouring in, though. The path continues after the trees into the sun up a hill from what I can see from so far away.

The path on the left looks pleasant. It looks easy. Happiness is assured beneath the cherry blossoms.

The path to the right is overgrown in some places. It will not be easy. But the view at the end, the sunlight looks like it's worth it. But first to reach the stallion to take me along this path I must first choose the path to the right. I must pass beneath the giant Oak tree first. Its branches are large, like the one at JP's grandparents house. The stallion does not know if it should trust me yet.

I have no sugar cubes. I have no carrots. I have only me. I'm dressed comfortable, dark jeans, a long sleeve shirt. It's deep purple. a v-neck. I am wearing riding boots. The stallion needs to feel safe with me on its back to carry me. It needs to know I won't go bloodthirsty and go for its throat to allow itself to carry me. Such is its nature. A thoroughbred is temperamental, very sensitive to changes in the temperament of its rider and won't allow one who is not calm, assured, respectful, trustworthy to ride its back.

I want to ride the stallion I want to go beneath the trees. I am afraid to cross under the shadow alone.

Penelope

Hit me like a ray of sun, glowing through my darkest nights.

You're the only one that I want, think I'm addicted to your light.

I know JP thought I emotionally cheated on him. I know he felt that way. And it blows my mind because I never saw it like that. I went to other people to talk about my feelings when he refused to be there for me to do that. I know he was hurt by it, though. There are some things that are supposed to stay between you as a couple, and I just didn't do that. I thought I need to vent. But that's what a therapist is for. Friends especially mutual ones shouldn't be brought into that.

I should have. I wish I had. There are so many things I'd take back if I could. I'm so filled with shame and regret at how I handled things.


I was in such a negative place. Depression being what it is. Hypomania being what it is.

More importantly than all of that to me, though, is self control. I'm finally learning it. It's super hard. It is. At first. But that's because it's a muscle I've so rarely flexed. It takes time and work to make it strong.

Today is a weird day. I met a guy on tinder. He's not trying to sleep with me right away (yay). We are going to meet at this alehouse in the mission in SF that shows 80s campy horror flicks on Tuesday nights. I'm legitimately excited. I love campy horror movies. He's never seen my favorite, Sleepaway Camp 3, but I've never seen his The Gate. So we will have to show them to each other sometime.

He likes classic rock. He's 30. His name is Christopher. He's the same height as JP, and he has incredible shoulders. He plays guitar and loves vinyl. He has good grammar and spelling, and he didn't make me feel awkward at all. I actually got butterflies the first time he messaged me. We have a date on March 7th.

And I haven't felt this way about someone else but JP in a long time. JP said everyone fixes themselves, and they move on and find someone else and they don't come back.

But you know why they don't come back? Because he doesn't open up enough to let them. And if I try hard with him then I look desperate. No one can win with him. No one. Not even him. He makes it impossible. And I can't do anything. I could be the one to come back. I can be. I am. But he won't let me. So I'm going to date. I think I can fall in love with Christopher. It won't be the same. I will always love John Paul. He will always be special to my heart. But.... but there is no getting back together after I pass this point. There just isn't. If I fall for someone else............... I want JP so badly. I do still. But not enough to forgo a chance at happiness with someone else.

The thing is......... I do. I do love him that much. I'd rather be happy alone. I have this opportunity. I just won't fall for this guy. He gave me butterflies. And we will go on the one date. And then......... then I will talk to JP. I will wait until after I see how the date goes. I want to come from a place of knowing and honesty instead of anticipation and postulations.

I just know that I can............. I can help him. I love him so much even still. Even knowing there's happiness here in front of me for the taking with someone else. I am happy alone. I don't need a man in my life to be happy. At all. I'm finally feeling fine and not crying like a baby every time I think of him or what I "lost." I will wait alone and faithful and happy. because of me. Because I'm strong enough to do it. Because I choose it. It's not the pull. It's not codependency. It's not addiction. It's not desperation.

It's that I choose to be there for him because I want him to be in my life. And if he needs time, I will wait. The Odyssey took 10 years! 10 years Penelope waited. 10 years she didn't know if he was alive or dead or if he found someone else, if he was ever coming back. All she could do was be the best she could be. To be happy and to wait and to keep her promise.

I keep mine. I will wait. Because I am honorable. I'm ashamed of the way I've been a liability in the past. I understand why he feels that way. Truly, I do. It's not all about him, though. It's not even about what's happened in the past. It's that we compliment each other when we are whole. It's that the love we share is once in a lifetime. It's that while I can be happy with anyone else. I'm happy alone. And I will wait for him to want take his share of my happiness. And perhaps he will want to share his.

In the meanwhile I can wait. Penelope is a model of patience and virtue. I wish she could have been my patron saint. Oh well.