Penelope

Hit me like a ray of sun, glowing through my darkest nights.

You're the only one that I want, think I'm addicted to your light.

I know JP thought I emotionally cheated on him. I know he felt that way. And it blows my mind because I never saw it like that. I went to other people to talk about my feelings when he refused to be there for me to do that. I know he was hurt by it, though. There are some things that are supposed to stay between you as a couple, and I just didn't do that. I thought I need to vent. But that's what a therapist is for. Friends especially mutual ones shouldn't be brought into that.

I should have. I wish I had. There are so many things I'd take back if I could. I'm so filled with shame and regret at how I handled things.


I was in such a negative place. Depression being what it is. Hypomania being what it is.

More importantly than all of that to me, though, is self control. I'm finally learning it. It's super hard. It is. At first. But that's because it's a muscle I've so rarely flexed. It takes time and work to make it strong.

Today is a weird day. I met a guy on tinder. He's not trying to sleep with me right away (yay). We are going to meet at this alehouse in the mission in SF that shows 80s campy horror flicks on Tuesday nights. I'm legitimately excited. I love campy horror movies. He's never seen my favorite, Sleepaway Camp 3, but I've never seen his The Gate. So we will have to show them to each other sometime.

He likes classic rock. He's 30. His name is Christopher. He's the same height as JP, and he has incredible shoulders. He plays guitar and loves vinyl. He has good grammar and spelling, and he didn't make me feel awkward at all. I actually got butterflies the first time he messaged me. We have a date on March 7th.

And I haven't felt this way about someone else but JP in a long time. JP said everyone fixes themselves, and they move on and find someone else and they don't come back.

But you know why they don't come back? Because he doesn't open up enough to let them. And if I try hard with him then I look desperate. No one can win with him. No one. Not even him. He makes it impossible. And I can't do anything. I could be the one to come back. I can be. I am. But he won't let me. So I'm going to date. I think I can fall in love with Christopher. It won't be the same. I will always love John Paul. He will always be special to my heart. But.... but there is no getting back together after I pass this point. There just isn't. If I fall for someone else............... I want JP so badly. I do still. But not enough to forgo a chance at happiness with someone else.

The thing is......... I do. I do love him that much. I'd rather be happy alone. I have this opportunity. I just won't fall for this guy. He gave me butterflies. And we will go on the one date. And then......... then I will talk to JP. I will wait until after I see how the date goes. I want to come from a place of knowing and honesty instead of anticipation and postulations.

I just know that I can............. I can help him. I love him so much even still. Even knowing there's happiness here in front of me for the taking with someone else. I am happy alone. I don't need a man in my life to be happy. At all. I'm finally feeling fine and not crying like a baby every time I think of him or what I "lost." I will wait alone and faithful and happy. because of me. Because I'm strong enough to do it. Because I choose it. It's not the pull. It's not codependency. It's not addiction. It's not desperation.

It's that I choose to be there for him because I want him to be in my life. And if he needs time, I will wait. The Odyssey took 10 years! 10 years Penelope waited. 10 years she didn't know if he was alive or dead or if he found someone else, if he was ever coming back. All she could do was be the best she could be. To be happy and to wait and to keep her promise.

I keep mine. I will wait. Because I am honorable. I'm ashamed of the way I've been a liability in the past. I understand why he feels that way. Truly, I do. It's not all about him, though. It's not even about what's happened in the past. It's that we compliment each other when we are whole. It's that the love we share is once in a lifetime. It's that while I can be happy with anyone else. I'm happy alone. And I will wait for him to want take his share of my happiness. And perhaps he will want to share his.

In the meanwhile I can wait. Penelope is a model of patience and virtue. I wish she could have been my patron saint. Oh well.