Shame and Regret

I am so ashamed of myself. I am so ashamed of my behavior the last few years. I was trying. God knows I was trying. BUT I always made too many allowances and weakened any discipline or self control I had in the process. I hate that I have been so weak. There are parts of me I hate so much. I hate my weakness. I HATE IT. I am so filled with regret at contacting JP last night.

I'm so ashamed I was so weak.  I need to figure out what to do without him. I can't think of him as a safety net anymore. he's not. He's gone from my life. He wants to be gone. I need to just let him go and let him be happy. I want him to be happy. Sometimes I get weak and I want to be the one who makes him happy. I have been so selfish.  I have been so impulsive. I've been so short sighted. That's what kills me. How short-sighted I've been in my pain. I need to think about 6 months from now. Stop caring so much about right now. The future is bright. Now isn't. But that's okay because the future will come. It will keep coming. This pain now is just temporary. It will be over. I will be okay. I regret so much my short sighted decisions, my weakness. If I could truly cut it out like a cancer, I would have already.

I am so angry that for years I've allowed myself to be less than I should. I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I needed to just not drink until I was sick like a teenager. I've been so immature, so childish. I hate this about me. I want to be more. I deserve to be more. Why did I give into my weakness? I know why. But how do I overcome that? How do I overcome those moments when my pain overwhelms me? I need to not put myself in the drunk situation again. But 1) I downloaded the "can't text I'm drunk" app. So that's that there. Excellent. 2) Deep breaths, center myself, figure out the right answer.

I think last night I needed Tia to take care of me, and she pawned me off on Shayne. And I really don't..... he's not a bad guy. It's just he wasn't who I wanted. But she has her own healing to do. I was selfish again. Goddamnit. I need to let her go and be okay. I need to just.... stop. I need to move on.