Not because I'm so codependent that I can't function without him. It's that I don't know what to do. I just gotta keep moving forward, but it's so hard to do that when I would do anything for him to take me back. I miss him so much. I miss him every moment of every day. I miss him all the time. And it's not missing a relationship that's the problem because I could probably just find a rebound relationship if I really wanted to and that was really something that I missed- just a relationship.
But that's not the case. It's missing him. It's missing my best friend. It's missing the only person who stood up for me when I was going through a hard time. It's missing the person who just let me cry over sorrow and held me in his arms and told me I didn't have to be so strong all the time.
It's missing his tootsie pop eyes and the little folds in his cheeks when he smiles. It's missing running my fingers through his feather soft hair and giving him scritch scratches on his scalp. It's going to the mystery spot in Santa Cruz. It's Gordon Biersch in the city. It's Boomers in Livermore. It's him and him and him. It's the way he freestyled with the t-pain app. It's the way he started trying to learn songs with me like Summer Wine to sing. It's his laugh when he's stoned. It's the way he'd fit against me like the perfect big spoon and snuggle me in his sleep. It's the way he looked at me in France and told me I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. It's how I adored him. It's the way we loved each other for who we were without any bullshit.
And then the bullshit came. It seeped in through the cracks of insecurity and jealousy and spread its roots deep. We were young. I'd never had a real relationship. I didn't know how to be in one. I didn't know so much that I've learned.
And I'm so thankful for the time we had together. I love him. I love him so much, and I miss being able to love him. I'm so angry at myself for taking so much for granted. I would complain that he stopped taking me out to dinners or anywhere. But I would do anything for the chance to just sit at home doing nothing in comfortable silence again. I took those beautiful, peaceful, quiet moments for granted. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. And he thinks I'm still trying to lie and manipulate him.
But that's not it. Look at what that got me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT IT. I'm here. I'm here, and he's there, and there is no us. That's what lying and manipulation got me: self sabotage at some level. I wasn't doing it last night. I wasn't. I really honestly, truly wasn't. It kills me that how I've lived my shitty past means he thought that was me still and now.
I would accept an open relationship. I don't care about if he wants to look at other girls anymore or talk to them. I don't care about any of that as long as he loves me. That's all I care about. I can't sleep with someone else. I can't just go fuck a guy. It would be easy, but I just can't. It's not who I am. I'm not a slut. I'm not someone who can just have sex with someone. I'm so nervous about the idea of fucking another man at this point. I haven't been with another man since January 21st, 9 years ago. I know I'd be fine or whatever, but I just can't do that. I still love him. I am in love with him still. I try to force myself to bury myself in my work. To focus on the customers, to focus on their problems and resolving them because the only problem I can't resolve it seems is my own. To love and be loved in return is the greatest thing you'll ever know they say. It is. I shouldn't have let anything else distract from that. But I didn't believe.... I was so scared he didn't really love me. And now I know he always will. And has. I'm so mad it took losing him to see I had what I was scared I didn't the whole time.
Father Time is an asshole, and he sure likes making people wait. I suppose he has nothing but time. I said so often in our relationship that JP was sent here to teach me patience. He really was. I feel like now I'm just sleepwalking through my life. Where once I was alive with the glory of love, it twisted into something toxic and poisonous. And the break up, the only times I feel awake and alive now are when I'm feeling the pain of the knife in my heart twist. Otherwise I just feel dead inside at this point. I know I love helping others. It makes me feel wonderful and happy inside to show love and compassion to others.
But last night...................... last night was so hard. I couldn't drive. I was puking in the bathroom from the fucking mind eraser. And every time I puked I peed myself a little until I looked down and realized I had pissed myself. So gross. I started my period the day before. So I was bleeding, cramping, nauseated, worried about getting home, pissed my pants, and I didn't know what else to do. So I messaged JP. I will always love him. I might be "moving ON" because I'm moving forward. I'm talking to people again. I'm going out. I'm meeting new people. But my heart still belongs to him. I'm not over him. I don't think I ever will be. When I was younger, and I moved away, every guy I crushed on I compared to him. Even when I got really attracted to another guy whom I eventually slept with, the moment JP and I started talking again, the pull was there. I was still wanting to be in a relationship with this other guy, but I also know if JP had offered me one with him I would have just dropped my feelings for the other to be with JP. The pull I feel to him will never go away. I will always love him. I will always want to be with him. I love him unconditionally.
Last night while I was puking Tia came into the bathroom, she wanted to talk to JP, she sounded like she was going to fight someone. She was mad her card was getting declined. I just wanted himto come help us because i was too fucked up to help her. I needed the fucking Captain. I needed him. In that moment, I needed him. I didn't believe he would come. And then he came. He fucking came, but Tia was gone. She didn't tell me she was leaving. I was so worried. And JP accused me of lying and manipulating him. That wasn't it at all. I was fucked up and I just wanted to go back to the apartment and pass out on the air mattress snuggled up with tia. maybe naked. most def naked. just naked cuddling while sobering up. That's all i fucking wanted at that point was to be with her. I wanted him to come save us. But I wouldn't lie to do that. He'd see right through that. Does he really think I'm that stupid? Obviously. he said embrace my new life I deserve it. that I'm a lying manipulative bitch. That hurt so much. Because that wasn't what i was trying to do at all. That's not me. I know it used to be. I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I used to be like that. I know why I was like that. But why would I have done it then? what purpose would that have served me? I'm so hurt. I'm so fucking hurt by that comment. It meant the world to me that he came. I can't believe he came. I wish I had taken my antidepressant yesterday and not drank more than one drink.
I don't know why I have to miss him and he doesn't miss me at all. I'm so nothing to him. It was so good to see him last night. God, it was so good to see him. I wanted to hold him so bad. I wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me it's all a bad dream, that it's all right. That he still loves me. That we can try again but there are conditions. IT HAS to be a certain way for him or it won't work. That he needs to be able to talk to other girls. That he has something going on right now where he just needs to do x,y,z. But that I can come home. That we'll split bills 50/50. That we will do all the things. I just want him so much to forgive me and let me come home. I want to come home so bad. I miss Fae. I miss waking up and being able to make him coffee.
I can't believe I ever took it for granted that he would tuck me in and say goodnight to me. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. Why didn't I appreciate what I had when I had it? I hate that about myself so much. I appreciate all the things I have now. I do, and I am. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to keep going. There's no way. I couldn't keep going at all. I would have just given up and relegated myself to nothing. I'm so blessed to have the good people I have. I just remember that life was magical with him in it even if I didn't see it. I miss the way he made me feel. I miss the way he showed me life could be lived. I miss the way being able to love him made me feel. Getting to show him love made me so happy, and I took it for granted. I'm so stupid. I had the most beautiful, wonderful thing in the world, and I pissed it away by being entitled.
His hatred for me last night hurt me so much. It hurt me so much. Only because I just don't feel any kind of love or compassion or caring anymore. He really is over me. He said he would always love me, and he probably does on some level. But for the most part it's overpowered by intense hatred. I know it's because of how I behaved with Marian. That girl hates me so much. Jealous issues. She was a child, and I behaved pretty shitty in turn. Then I knew she was going to fuck him and ignore me completely. And I saw red. It was an ego blow. I've never had a friend fuck me over that hard since the my old, old best friend. I'm so hurt on so many levels that about all of this. I know it's my fault and his fault. But I look at my own actions, and I am hurt because I am so shamed. I owe it to myself to behave better than, than this.
I've acted out because I'm angry and hurt. I just want to be happy. I didn't think about how maybe my happiness will follow suit when my behavior matches my heart. Benjamin told me to not give into my dark because I have the potential to be something very few/rare people get the chance to be if at all in all actuality. I can be a real lady, like Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn. I'm still so innocent he said. Child-like in my desire to assume the best about people and situations. He said I shouldn't give into my desire for vengeance. Not because it won't make me happy even if temporarily but because it will twist me into being something like everyone else when I can be better. I love Benjamin. He always knows how to phrase things for me just right.
No more drinking. Alcohol is bad for me. Unless I'm drinking alone at home. God, I miss home so much. I'm so homesick. My home will always be wherever JP is. In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms, in a world so hollow it's breaking my heart. It is. The world is so hollow, and I miss him so much. Why did I take it all for granted??? I thought we would be together forever. That the way I loved him was the way he loved me. I'm so stupid. I'm so so so stupid. I hate myself today. I shouldn't have called him or texted him last night. I should have left him alone. I should have just figured it out. I should have just slept in the car. I don't care. I just am so tired of being depressed and missing him. I'm so tired of missing him. I'm so so so tired of missing him.
If I ever get another chance,
- I will not take a single moment, a single glance or action for granted.
- I won't ever promise something and not follow through on it.
- I'll ask for what I'd like and accept no as an answer
- I won't argue
- I'll make sure he eats salad every night
- I'll be so happy, peaceful, content to just relax doing nothing
- I'll read more books on the couch
- I'll never look over his shoulder at his phone or computer/etc
- I'll keep everything organized and clean
- I'll make sure he knows every moment how I cherish him
- I'll never lie to him
- I will cherish every moment spent working towards our dreams even if apart.... oh, that's what we're doing now.........................
I still miss him so much. I miss him more than anything. I hate this so much. I hate it. I just want to show him I've changed. That I see how I behave poorly. That I'll never make those same mistakes again. I love him so much. I want him to be happy. I know he's mad at me. I've given up on my hatred for Marian. I've given up on my desire for revenge. I just want to be financially independent. I want to be in such a good position, he will come back to me because he sees me for the light I am. I'm still that light even though I'm hurt now.
I think, truthfully, I just have to accept I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I'll never get another chance. That we don't get to be friends. That he can't love me anymore, and that it's my fault. And I just need to stop wishing for the impossible. I fuck up with mood swings. My period has been ruining my life since it started. I hate it so much. I need to just go on the shot and get over it. I'm going to go to planned parenthood this weekend, get my IUD out, and go on the shot. I'm over this shit. I'm over it so hard. I never want to have this happen again. Ever. And I don't know what else to do at this point but to just stop having periods. It's the only way I'm going to be able to stop the mood swings. Maybe then I can be more stable and consistent in my choices. It's the inconsistency that looks crazy.
I just need to be a light because it's what I owe it to myself to be. I owe it to myself to be better. I owe it to my sister. I owe it to my mom. I owe it to my family. I owe it to myself and my lineage to be better than what I've been. I owe it to everyone I've ever loved who has ever loved me to actually get my shit together. I've been trying, but I'm also trying to end this suffering. Instead of just embracing it. That this is good for me; it makes me stronger. It doesn't get easier; I get stronger. I embrace this pain as proof that I lived and loved. Failing doesn't mean I'm a failure. It just means I wasn't ready. I have to be ready for there to be a next time, even if it's not him. This is going to take a few more weeks I'm pretty sure. Maybe a month. Starting today I'm going to be a superstar. I get the shot this weekend. I get tia on my phone plan this weekend. I start saving money for a boob job because honestly I would really love to just be able to love my body, and my breasts have always been a source of insecurity for me. They're not that great, and the less I weigh the smaller they are. I have the height and the rib cage for bigger ones. And if $3500 is all it takes to be able to have the body I want to really love myself more and what I see when I look in the mirror, then I'm going to do it. I love myself. I do. I don't like who I've been, though. I hate the way I've acted. I hate that I've allowed temporary visitors like emotions to influence my actions, perception, and behavior.
I have so much love in me, it's a wonder I haven't just loved me with it. Shower myself with all the affection I've looked for elsewhere. I truly and deeply love my friends. I do. I am so grateful I have them in my life. I am so thankful I'm in a place now where I have a car and a free place to live. I have a job where I can make good money. I know JP was wrong about me being manipulative and lying last night. I wasn't. I wasn't at all. I was worried about Tia. I was worried about her. I was worried for me. I was so fucking drunk. I've never been that drunk before. Ever. I don't even remember talking to JP. I do remember his biting text after because it hurt so much. He made me wish for a moment I had died back in December. If only because I'd finally have been at peace in that moment instead of hurting.
But it's the easy way out. A coward's way. I'm not a coward. I'm not afraid to die. But I'm not a coward. Living is hard. Living for myself and watching out for me and taking care of me is even harder. And I have to be brave now. I am brave. I can do this. I really can. I can do it. I can achieve everything I've set out to achieve. But I CANNOT ever allow myself to drink like that again. It always ends badly. Poor JP. I'm so sorry I fucking said anything to him last night. He was alone on valentines day drinking at home............. I'm such a selfish bitch. I'm just as bad as Marian. I might be worse. I hate that I've been that way. I am also generous and loving with my friends, but I am so selfish without practicing real self care. There's a difference. I am so sorry, universe, for my shit tier behavior. I am sorry, mom, sorry, God, for being less than I should.
I solemnly swear today, February 15th, that I will never allow myself to be anything less than the best I can be. That means not drinking myself to oblivion to block out the pain. That means allowing myself to feel it and deal with it. It means I will be financially responsible. It means I'm going to cry sometimes, but in private. It means getting my shit together. It means being in love with myself and showing myself the love I wanted JP to show me. I can love myself that exact way. Inspire myself to be better, to be more. Every day I will work at achieving being a classy lady, this I swear.
I will make a gameplan detailing what my likes and dislikes are. Ways to be myself and authentic and to train myself to be courteous, respectful, and in control of myself at all times. To act with decorum in the face of adversity or strife. And when the loneliness sets in and my heart aches, I will not give in to my weakness. I will welcome it into my heart as proof that I am human, alive, capable of deep love. I will not allow it to control me into being this monster I hate.
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