Dreams

Dream on Saturday Night:
front right tooth breaks. I pull it out in slivers. It's gone, and I'm fine. I bite down, testing the strength of the rest of my teeth and they break, parts and tops of the shattering. The roots are fine but the rest of the teeth have broken now, too.

Dream on Sunday night:
laying down in field of pink poppies. snow begins to fall. it's peaceful, quiet, pure. It makes me happy. It falls all over the field. Around me in a circle about 10 feet wide the snow does not fall. I stand up. Where I laid a red rose, single, long stemmed, thorns on the bottom grows from the earth, not a bush. It is wilted. The water from the surrounding snow begins to pool down into the circle around the rose, and it grows. It sheds its wilted leaves and a new bloom begins.
Self love? At last? Something more? Snow is the blank slate, wiping clean the past. Forgetting the memories of days gone by while I was asleep, not yet awake.

Dream Tuesday night:

Walking down a path not unlike the one Maurice walks in Beauty and the Beast. There is a fork in the road.

Down one path I must pass under the shadow of a giant Oak tree. There is a black stallion, unbridled, no saddle, no reigns. He is strong. A thoroughbred. Tall. Mercurial. He will not be tamed. He requires bareback and nothing else. Trust and respect of this horse are required to ride and nothing else will do. But he is beyond the shadow of a giant oak tree.

The path to the left has a few horses scattered along it. Some close, some further down. There are reins. There are saddles on all of them. Some are grazing. Some are watching me. Some are simply trotting up and down the path beneath cherry trees. Cherry blossoms fall. Sunlight filters through many branches and the horses are not entirely in the shade at any point where they may stand. The left path is a well trodden path, a completely safe path.

I walk to the middle of the fork where I have nowhere else to walk but a path to the left or the path to the right.

I look to the right again. The stallion is looking down the road. But he stands with one eye still keeping me in vision. Watching. Waiting to see what I do. He doesn't know if I am a threat or not. The black stallion's path is under deep shadows for a time. The branches and leaves are dense. At the end of the path there is sunlight pouring in, though. The path continues after the trees into the sun up a hill from what I can see from so far away.

The path on the left looks pleasant. It looks easy. Happiness is assured beneath the cherry blossoms.

The path to the right is overgrown in some places. It will not be easy. But the view at the end, the sunlight looks like it's worth it. But first to reach the stallion to take me along this path I must first choose the path to the right. I must pass beneath the giant Oak tree first. Its branches are large, like the one at JP's grandparents house. The stallion does not know if it should trust me yet.

I have no sugar cubes. I have no carrots. I have only me. I'm dressed comfortable, dark jeans, a long sleeve shirt. It's deep purple. a v-neck. I am wearing riding boots. The stallion needs to feel safe with me on its back to carry me. It needs to know I won't go bloodthirsty and go for its throat to allow itself to carry me. Such is its nature. A thoroughbred is temperamental, very sensitive to changes in the temperament of its rider and won't allow one who is not calm, assured, respectful, trustworthy to ride its back.

I want to ride the stallion I want to go beneath the trees. I am afraid to cross under the shadow alone.

Penelope

Hit me like a ray of sun, glowing through my darkest nights.

You're the only one that I want, think I'm addicted to your light.

I know JP thought I emotionally cheated on him. I know he felt that way. And it blows my mind because I never saw it like that. I went to other people to talk about my feelings when he refused to be there for me to do that. I know he was hurt by it, though. There are some things that are supposed to stay between you as a couple, and I just didn't do that. I thought I need to vent. But that's what a therapist is for. Friends especially mutual ones shouldn't be brought into that.

I should have. I wish I had. There are so many things I'd take back if I could. I'm so filled with shame and regret at how I handled things.


I was in such a negative place. Depression being what it is. Hypomania being what it is.

More importantly than all of that to me, though, is self control. I'm finally learning it. It's super hard. It is. At first. But that's because it's a muscle I've so rarely flexed. It takes time and work to make it strong.

Today is a weird day. I met a guy on tinder. He's not trying to sleep with me right away (yay). We are going to meet at this alehouse in the mission in SF that shows 80s campy horror flicks on Tuesday nights. I'm legitimately excited. I love campy horror movies. He's never seen my favorite, Sleepaway Camp 3, but I've never seen his The Gate. So we will have to show them to each other sometime.

He likes classic rock. He's 30. His name is Christopher. He's the same height as JP, and he has incredible shoulders. He plays guitar and loves vinyl. He has good grammar and spelling, and he didn't make me feel awkward at all. I actually got butterflies the first time he messaged me. We have a date on March 7th.

And I haven't felt this way about someone else but JP in a long time. JP said everyone fixes themselves, and they move on and find someone else and they don't come back.

But you know why they don't come back? Because he doesn't open up enough to let them. And if I try hard with him then I look desperate. No one can win with him. No one. Not even him. He makes it impossible. And I can't do anything. I could be the one to come back. I can be. I am. But he won't let me. So I'm going to date. I think I can fall in love with Christopher. It won't be the same. I will always love John Paul. He will always be special to my heart. But.... but there is no getting back together after I pass this point. There just isn't. If I fall for someone else............... I want JP so badly. I do still. But not enough to forgo a chance at happiness with someone else.

The thing is......... I do. I do love him that much. I'd rather be happy alone. I have this opportunity. I just won't fall for this guy. He gave me butterflies. And we will go on the one date. And then......... then I will talk to JP. I will wait until after I see how the date goes. I want to come from a place of knowing and honesty instead of anticipation and postulations.

I just know that I can............. I can help him. I love him so much even still. Even knowing there's happiness here in front of me for the taking with someone else. I am happy alone. I don't need a man in my life to be happy. At all. I'm finally feeling fine and not crying like a baby every time I think of him or what I "lost." I will wait alone and faithful and happy. because of me. Because I'm strong enough to do it. Because I choose it. It's not the pull. It's not codependency. It's not addiction. It's not desperation.

It's that I choose to be there for him because I want him to be in my life. And if he needs time, I will wait. The Odyssey took 10 years! 10 years Penelope waited. 10 years she didn't know if he was alive or dead or if he found someone else, if he was ever coming back. All she could do was be the best she could be. To be happy and to wait and to keep her promise.

I keep mine. I will wait. Because I am honorable. I'm ashamed of the way I've been a liability in the past. I understand why he feels that way. Truly, I do. It's not all about him, though. It's not even about what's happened in the past. It's that we compliment each other when we are whole. It's that the love we share is once in a lifetime. It's that while I can be happy with anyone else. I'm happy alone. And I will wait for him to want take his share of my happiness. And perhaps he will want to share his.

In the meanwhile I can wait. Penelope is a model of patience and virtue. I wish she could have been my patron saint. Oh well.

Shame and Regret

I am so ashamed of myself. I am so ashamed of my behavior the last few years. I was trying. God knows I was trying. BUT I always made too many allowances and weakened any discipline or self control I had in the process. I hate that I have been so weak. There are parts of me I hate so much. I hate my weakness. I HATE IT. I am so filled with regret at contacting JP last night.

I'm so ashamed I was so weak.  I need to figure out what to do without him. I can't think of him as a safety net anymore. he's not. He's gone from my life. He wants to be gone. I need to just let him go and let him be happy. I want him to be happy. Sometimes I get weak and I want to be the one who makes him happy. I have been so selfish.  I have been so impulsive. I've been so short sighted. That's what kills me. How short-sighted I've been in my pain. I need to think about 6 months from now. Stop caring so much about right now. The future is bright. Now isn't. But that's okay because the future will come. It will keep coming. This pain now is just temporary. It will be over. I will be okay. I regret so much my short sighted decisions, my weakness. If I could truly cut it out like a cancer, I would have already.

I am so angry that for years I've allowed myself to be less than I should. I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I needed to just not drink until I was sick like a teenager. I've been so immature, so childish. I hate this about me. I want to be more. I deserve to be more. Why did I give into my weakness? I know why. But how do I overcome that? How do I overcome those moments when my pain overwhelms me? I need to not put myself in the drunk situation again. But 1) I downloaded the "can't text I'm drunk" app. So that's that there. Excellent. 2) Deep breaths, center myself, figure out the right answer.

I think last night I needed Tia to take care of me, and she pawned me off on Shayne. And I really don't..... he's not a bad guy. It's just he wasn't who I wanted. But she has her own healing to do. I was selfish again. Goddamnit. I need to let her go and be okay. I need to just.... stop. I need to move on.

Budgeting

Reasons to Improve:

• Self esteem and confidence in being financially independent
• Emergency Funds in case of rainy days

Steps to Improvement:

• Eliminate Unnecessary Spending (no more starbucks, drink the free coffee at work)
• $5 budget for food Monday - Friday
• Weekends $10 one day and $20 the other
• Save $500 from every paycheck *hide in trunk of car as cash even*
• Get food money out in cash, anticipate $50 a week in gas (200 a month)
• $100 in car insurance a month
• Save 6k by June

Self Control/Discipline

Reasons to Improve:

• Being able to handle emotional situations with class
• Being able to make good decisions for myself long-term
• Maturity is Sexy

Steps To Improvement

1. Practice Deep Breathing/Meditation 5 minutes of every hour and every time something frustrating or irritating happens
2. Frame decisions in terms of "Where is this 6 months from now?"
3. Get the shot to eliminate the mood swings and extreme emotional problems I have with PMS
4. Eliminate cursing from my vocabulary
5. Practice restraining myself from short term impulses like chocolate & starbucks
6. Quit smoking cigarettes *next 6 months goal*
7. Don't make any decisions under the influence that are different from what you've been doing sober
8. Sleep on all major decisions at least a week, make no impulsive choices

Jillian

LIKES: (in general and about myself)

• Pho, beef
• sushi
• salmon
• food
• wine
• blue cheese
• mushrooms
• dancing
• singing
• musicals
• theatre
• karaoke
• video games
• books! high and epic fantasy!
• hiking
• nature, mountains, rivers, streams, creeks, lakes, forests, deserts, beaches
• camping
• snow skiing
• water skiing
• wake boarding
• kneeboarding
• starbucks- tall french vanilla latte
• wine
• getting my eyebrows waxed
• gel nails
• french manicures
• massages
• rose and lavender everything
• tea
• period pieces
• binge watching series and being a potato
• french cuisine
• espresso
• big salads
• exercising!!!
• my butt
• my calves, ankles, feet, and knees
• my tummy
• my eyes
• my eyebrows
• my freckles
• my teeth

DISLIKES: (in general and about myself)

• not being in control of myself
• being drunk
• being poor
• being ignored
• being treated unfairly
• black licorice
• marshmallows that aren't s'mores
• being trashy
• my thighs
• my breasts
• my rib cage
• my nose
• my chin
• how easily I cry
• being a fucking empath
• lack of self control
• being selfish
• being disorganized

Skills:

• waterskiing/wakeboarding/kneeboarding
• snow skiing
• horse back riding
• singing
• dancing
• computers and technology
• sales/marketing
• writing- copywriting, essays, and fiction
• cooking
• sign language
• sign dancing!!!
• make up
• flower arrangements

Things I can Focus on Improving:

• Discipline/Self Control
• Organization/Cleaning
• Budgeting

The Break-Up

It's hard. It's really hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.

Not because I'm so codependent that I can't function without him. It's that I don't know what to do. I just gotta keep moving forward, but it's so hard to do that when I would do anything for him to take me back. I miss him so much. I miss him every moment of every day. I miss him all the time. And it's not missing a relationship that's the problem because I could probably just find a rebound relationship if I really wanted to and that was really something that I missed- just a relationship.

But that's not the case. It's missing him. It's missing my best friend. It's missing the only person who stood up for me when I was going through a hard time. It's missing the person who just let me cry over sorrow and held me in his arms and told me I didn't have to be so strong all the time.

It's missing his tootsie pop eyes and the little folds in his cheeks when he smiles. It's missing running my fingers through his feather soft hair and giving him scritch scratches on his scalp. It's going to the mystery spot in Santa Cruz. It's Gordon Biersch in the city. It's Boomers in Livermore. It's him and him and him. It's the way he freestyled with the t-pain app. It's the way he started trying to learn songs with me like Summer Wine to sing. It's his laugh when he's stoned. It's the way he'd fit against me like the perfect big spoon and snuggle me in his sleep. It's the way he looked at me in France and told me I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. It's how I adored him. It's the way we loved each other for who we were without any bullshit.

And then the bullshit came. It seeped in through the cracks of insecurity and jealousy and spread its roots deep. We were young. I'd never had a real relationship. I didn't know how to be in one. I didn't know so much that I've learned.

And I'm so thankful for the time we had together. I love him. I love him so much, and I miss being able to love him. I'm so angry at myself for taking so much for granted. I would complain that he stopped taking me out to dinners or anywhere. But I would do anything for the chance to just sit at home doing nothing in comfortable silence again. I took those beautiful, peaceful, quiet moments for granted. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. And he thinks I'm still trying to lie and manipulate him.

But that's not it. Look at what that got me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT IT. I'm here. I'm here, and he's there, and there is no us. That's what lying and manipulation got me: self sabotage at some level. I wasn't doing it last night. I wasn't. I really honestly, truly wasn't. It kills me that how I've lived my shitty past means he thought that was me still and now.

I would accept an open relationship. I don't care about if he wants to look at other girls anymore or talk to them. I don't care about any of that as long as he loves me. That's all I care about. I can't sleep with someone else. I can't just go fuck a guy. It would be easy, but I just can't. It's not who I am. I'm not a slut. I'm not someone who can just have sex with someone. I'm so nervous about the idea of fucking another man at this point. I haven't been with another man since January 21st, 9 years ago. I know I'd be fine or whatever, but I just can't do that. I still love him. I am in love with him still. I try to force myself to bury myself in my work. To focus on the customers, to focus on their problems and resolving them because the only problem I can't resolve it seems is my own. To love and be loved in return is the greatest thing you'll ever know they say. It is. I shouldn't have let anything else distract from that. But I didn't believe.... I was so scared he didn't really love me. And now I know he always will. And has. I'm so mad it took losing him to see I had what I was scared I didn't the whole time.

Father Time is an asshole, and he sure likes making people wait. I suppose he has nothing but time. I said so often in our relationship that JP was sent here to teach me patience. He really was. I feel like now I'm just sleepwalking through my life. Where once I was alive with the glory of love, it twisted into something toxic and poisonous. And the break up, the only times I feel awake and alive now are when I'm feeling the pain of the knife in my heart twist. Otherwise I just feel dead inside at this point. I know I love helping others. It makes me feel wonderful and happy inside to show love and compassion to others.

But last night...................... last night was so hard. I couldn't drive. I was puking in the bathroom from the fucking mind eraser. And every time I puked I peed myself a little until I looked down and realized I had pissed myself. So gross. I started my period the day before. So I was bleeding, cramping, nauseated, worried about getting home, pissed my pants, and I didn't know what else to do. So I messaged JP. I will always love him. I might be "moving ON" because I'm moving forward. I'm talking to people again. I'm going out. I'm meeting new people. But my heart still belongs to him. I'm not over him. I don't think I ever will be. When I was younger, and I moved away, every guy I crushed on I compared to him. Even when I got really attracted to another guy whom I eventually slept with, the moment JP and I started talking again, the pull was there. I was still wanting to be in a relationship with this other guy, but I also know if JP had offered me one with him I would have just dropped my feelings for the other to be with JP. The pull I feel to him will never go away. I will always love him. I will always want to be with him. I love him unconditionally.

Last night while I was puking Tia came into the bathroom, she wanted to talk to JP, she sounded like she was going to fight someone. She was mad her card was getting declined. I just wanted himto come help us because i was too fucked up to help her. I needed the fucking Captain. I needed him. In that moment, I needed him. I didn't believe he would come. And then he came. He fucking came, but Tia was gone. She didn't tell me she was leaving. I was so worried. And JP accused me of lying and manipulating him. That wasn't it at all. I was fucked up and I just wanted to go back to the apartment and pass out on the air mattress snuggled up with tia. maybe naked. most def naked. just naked cuddling while sobering up. That's all i fucking wanted at that point was to be with her. I wanted him to come save us. But I wouldn't lie to do that. He'd see right through that. Does he really think I'm that stupid? Obviously. he said embrace my new life I deserve it. that I'm a lying manipulative bitch. That hurt so much. Because that wasn't what i was trying to do at all. That's not me. I know it used to be. I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I used to be like that. I know why I was like that. But why would I have done it then? what purpose would that have served me? I'm so hurt. I'm so fucking hurt by that comment. It meant the world to me that he came. I can't believe he came. I wish I had taken my antidepressant yesterday and not drank more than one drink.

 I don't know why I have to miss him and he doesn't miss me at all. I'm so nothing to him. It was so good to see him last night. God, it was so good to see him. I wanted to hold him so bad. I wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me it's all a bad dream, that it's all right. That he still loves me. That we can try again but there are conditions. IT HAS to be a certain way for him or it won't work. That he needs to be able to talk to other girls. That he has something going on right now where he just needs to do x,y,z. But that I can come home. That we'll split bills 50/50. That we will do all the things. I just want him so much to forgive me and let me come home. I want to come home so bad. I miss Fae. I miss waking up and being able to make him coffee.

I can't believe I ever took it for granted that he would tuck me in and say goodnight to me. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. Why didn't I appreciate what I had when I had it? I hate that about myself so much. I appreciate all the things I have now. I do, and I am. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to keep going. There's no way. I couldn't keep going at all. I would have just given up and relegated myself to nothing. I'm so blessed to have the good people I have. I just remember that life was magical with him in it even if I didn't see it. I miss the way he made me feel. I miss the way he showed me life could be lived. I miss the way being able to love him made me feel. Getting to show him love made me so happy, and I took it for granted. I'm so stupid. I had the most beautiful, wonderful thing in the world, and I pissed it away by being entitled.

His hatred for me last night hurt me so much. It hurt me so much. Only because I just don't feel any kind of love or compassion or caring anymore. He really is over me. He said he would always love me, and he probably does on some level. But for the most part it's overpowered by intense hatred. I know it's because of how I behaved with Marian. That girl hates me so much. Jealous issues. She was a child, and I behaved pretty shitty in turn. Then I knew she was going to fuck him and ignore me completely. And I saw red. It was an ego blow. I've never had a friend fuck me over that hard since the my old, old best friend. I'm so hurt on so many levels that about all of this. I know it's my fault and his fault. But I look at my own actions, and I am hurt because I am so shamed. I owe it to myself to behave better than, than this.

I've acted out because I'm angry and hurt. I just want to be happy. I didn't think about how maybe my happiness will follow suit when my behavior matches my heart. Benjamin told me to not give into my dark because I have the potential to be something very few/rare people get the chance to be if at all in all actuality. I can be a real lady, like Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn. I'm still so innocent he said. Child-like in my desire to assume the best about people and situations. He said I shouldn't give into my desire for vengeance. Not because it won't make me happy even if temporarily but because it will twist me into being something like everyone else when I can be better. I love Benjamin. He always knows how to phrase things for me just right.

No more drinking. Alcohol is bad for me. Unless I'm drinking alone at home. God, I miss home so much. I'm so homesick. My home will always be wherever JP is. In joy and sorrow, my home's in your arms, in a world so hollow it's breaking my heart. It is. The world is so hollow, and I miss him so much. Why did I take it all for granted??? I thought we would be together forever. That the way I loved him was the way he loved me. I'm so stupid. I'm so so so stupid. I hate myself today. I shouldn't have called him or texted him last night. I should have left him alone. I should have just figured it out. I should have just slept in the car. I don't care. I just am so tired of being depressed and missing him. I'm so tired of missing him. I'm so so so tired of missing him.


If I ever get another chance,

• I will not take a single moment, a single glance or action for granted.
• I won't ever promise something and not follow through on it.
• I'll ask for what I'd like and accept no as an answer
• I won't argue
• I'll make sure he eats salad every night
• I'll be so happy, peaceful, content to just relax doing nothing
• I'll read more books on the couch
• I'll never look over his shoulder at his phone or computer/etc
• I'll keep everything organized and clean
• I'll make sure he knows every moment how I cherish him
• I'll never lie to him
• I will cherish every moment spent working towards our dreams even if apart.... oh, that's what we're doing now.........................

I still miss him so much. I miss him more than anything. I hate this so much. I hate it. I just want to show him I've changed. That I see how I behave poorly. That I'll never make those same mistakes again. I love him so much. I want him to be happy. I know he's mad at me. I've given up on my hatred for Marian. I've given up on my desire for revenge. I just want to be financially independent. I want to be in such a good position, he will come back to me because he sees me for the light I am. I'm still that light even though I'm hurt now.

I think, truthfully, I just have to accept I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I'll never get another chance. That we don't get to be friends. That he can't love me anymore, and that it's my fault. And I just need to stop wishing for the impossible. I fuck up with mood swings. My period has been ruining my life since it started. I hate it so much. I need to just go on the shot and get over it. I'm going to go to planned parenthood this weekend, get my IUD out, and go on the shot. I'm over this shit. I'm over it so hard. I never want to have this happen again. Ever. And I don't know what else to do at this point but to just stop having periods. It's the only way I'm going to be able to stop the mood swings. Maybe then I can be more stable and consistent in my choices. It's the inconsistency that looks crazy.


I just need to be a light because it's what I owe it to myself to be. I owe it to myself to be better. I owe it to my sister. I owe it to my mom. I owe it to my family. I owe it to myself and my lineage to be better than what I've been. I owe it to everyone I've ever loved who has ever loved me to actually get my shit together. I've been trying, but I'm also trying to end this suffering. Instead of just embracing it. That this is good for me; it makes me stronger. It doesn't get easier; I get stronger. I embrace this pain as proof that I lived and loved. Failing doesn't mean I'm a failure. It just means I wasn't ready. I have to be ready for there to be a next time, even if it's not him. This is going to take a few more weeks I'm pretty sure. Maybe a month. Starting today I'm going to be a superstar. I get the shot this weekend. I get tia on my phone plan this weekend. I start saving money for a boob job because honestly I would really love to just be able to love my body, and my breasts have always been a source of insecurity for me. They're not that great, and the less I weigh the smaller they are. I have the height and the rib cage for bigger ones. And if $3500 is all it takes to be able to have the body I want to really love myself more and what I see when I look in the mirror, then I'm going to do it. I love myself. I do. I don't like who I've been, though. I hate the way I've acted. I hate that I've allowed temporary visitors like emotions to influence my actions, perception, and behavior.

I have so much love in me, it's a wonder I haven't just loved me with it. Shower myself with all the affection I've looked for elsewhere. I truly and deeply love my friends. I do. I am so grateful I have them in my life. I am so thankful I'm in a place now where I have a car and a free place to live. I have a job where I can make good money. I know JP was wrong about me being manipulative and lying last night. I wasn't. I wasn't at all. I was worried about Tia. I was worried about her. I was worried for me. I was so fucking drunk. I've never been that drunk before. Ever. I don't even remember talking to JP. I do remember his biting text after because it hurt so much. He made me wish for a moment I had died back in December. If only because I'd finally have been at peace in that moment instead of hurting.

But it's the easy way out. A coward's way. I'm not a coward. I'm not afraid to die. But I'm not a coward. Living is hard. Living for myself and watching out for me and taking care of me is even harder. And I have to be brave now. I am brave. I can do this. I really can. I can do it. I can achieve everything I've set out to achieve. But I CANNOT ever allow myself to drink like that again. It always ends badly. Poor JP. I'm so sorry I fucking said anything to him last night. He was alone on valentines day drinking at home............. I'm such a selfish bitch. I'm just as bad as Marian. I might be worse. I hate that I've been that way. I am also generous and loving with my friends, but I am so selfish without practicing real self care. There's a difference. I am so sorry, universe, for my shit tier behavior. I am sorry, mom, sorry, God, for being less than I should.

I solemnly swear today, February 15th, that I will never allow myself to be anything less than the best I can be. That means not drinking myself to oblivion to block out the pain. That means allowing myself to feel it and deal with it. It means I will be financially responsible. It means I'm going to cry sometimes, but in private. It means getting my shit together. It means being in love with myself and showing myself the love I wanted JP to show me. I can love myself that exact way. Inspire myself to be better, to be more. Every day I will work at achieving being a classy lady, this I swear.

I will make a gameplan detailing what my likes and dislikes are. Ways to be myself and authentic and to train myself to be courteous, respectful, and in control of myself at all times. To act with decorum in the face of adversity or strife. And when the loneliness sets in and my heart aches, I will not give in to my weakness. I will welcome it into my heart as proof that I am human, alive, capable of deep love. I will not allow it to control me into being this monster I hate.